1. Stop faking your fucking orgasms. Society already tells young men that they run the fucking universe - if they can’t turn your cunt into a shooting star then for god’s sake, let them know about it.
2. Once you’ve stopped faking your fucking orgasms, use this newfound honesty throughout the rest of your life - stop ordering coffee you don’t actually like; stop sitting at a desk and allowing people to treat you like shit in the hopes that a meek attitude will earn you a promotion (it won’t); stop telling people they can finish your food when you’re not actually done yet. These may seem petty, but they add up, just like every orgasm you didn’t actually get to have.
3. If you wanna dance all night, dance all fucking night. Dance all night even if you have work in the morning. The worst that will happen is you’ll drink RedBull all day and look like a zombie - pass it off as a head cold to the real zombies you work with and flick through the embarrassing photos you’re being tagged in as you pretend to take a shit for some peace and quiet. I promise, you’ll remember dancing all night in ten years, not the suspicious way your boss looked at you that morning.
4. If your ass looks big in that, that’s a good thing.
5. You will never be as young as you are this second. Embrace it.
6. Embrace the fact that you’re going to get older. Ask your boyfriend if he will still love you when you’re seventy and your tits are down to your knees. Look forward to this time - seventy year old women are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want, and no-one can stop them. You can carry candy in your bag and not share it with a single soul. You can stay home all day and cross-stitch expletives onto handkerchiefs for your grandchildren and slip them under the table out of sight of the people you raised. You can drink whisky at 10am. Every phase of your life is going to be amazing for different reasons. Embrace that.
7. A lot of people will pretend to love Bukowski. Don’t pretend to love Bukowski if you don’t love Bukowski. It’s overplayed and no-one will mind if you actually like Virginia Andrews instead - the people who do mind are boring.”
— Some more little life lessons, by Daisy Lola. (via bodypartss)
1. “If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book.”
The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket
2. “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C. S. Lewis
3. “Not every 13-year-old girl is accused of murder, brought to trial, and found guilty.”
The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle by Avi
4. “‘Where’s Papa going with that axe?’ said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.”
Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White
5. “There was a hand in the darkness, and it held a knife.”
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
6. “On the morning I was scheduled to die, a large barefoot man with a bushy red beard waddled past my house.”
Seven Wonders Book 1: The Colossus Rises by Peter Lerangis
7. “Ba-room, ba-room, ba-room, baripity, baripity, baripity, baripity—Good.”
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
8. “Johnny never knew for certain why he started seeing the dead.”
Johnny and the Dead by Terry Pratchett
9. “Thunder crashed, louder than anything Hollyleaf had heard before.”
Warriors: The Untold Stories by Erin Hunter
10. “How five crows managed to lift a twenty-pound baby boy into the air was beyond Prue, but that was certainly the least of her worries.”
Wildwood by Colin Meloy
11. “The Herdmans were absolutely the worst kids in the history of the world.”
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson
12. “I didn’t know how long I had been in the king’s prison.”
The Thief by Megan Whalen Turner
13. “Sophie had waited all her life to be kidnapped.”
The School for Good and Evil by Soman Chainani
14. “Marley was dead, to begin with.”
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
15. “Sometimes there’s no warning.”
Chronicles of Ancient Darkness #5: Oath Breaker by Michelle Paver
16. “It certainly seemed like it was going to be another normal evening at Amelia Bedelia’s house.”
Amelia Bedelia Unleashed by Herman Parish